The Grand National

Dictatorial

This one will dictate the pace
throughout the race.
Others will fall by the wayside
with its aggressive ride.

But don’t expect it to finish the course
a winner. It’s not that kind of horse.
This one has a lot of promise
But will lead you down a bookmakers’ abyss.

Elizabeth Taylor

Photogenic from the first shot of the starter’s pistol
To the backstretch, this much-fancied filly
Usually breezes in, having won on the bridle.
Even so, there’s always a paparazzi photo-finish frenzy.

Getting the red carpet treatment, her jockey’s silks sport a Hollywood star
As she parades in the paddock with a sure thing SP.
As a homebred frontrunner, she’s the most national velvety by far.
One to watch; she always gets the trip, and is rarely out of the money.

Codswallop

A lot of nonsense mysteries
Surround its origins.
Some say it was sold for a few guineas
At a market during a drunken binge.

Others say it was sold at a selling race auction
For a case of vintage champagne.
Many believe it belongs to the estate of Galton and Simpson
Or that a fisherman in a Scottish pub gave it its name.

At 27 hands, it has an illogical advantage over the rest
And draws attention from artists at sixes and nines.
At 2/1, it’s got the bottle to beat the best
According to tic-tac hand signs.

Tax Evader

The gamblers’ favourite
with its illegal bit
Of business on the side
as it takes the state for a ride.

Unlike better betters, those who put money on
this dodgy gelding of a filly
won’t declare it if they’ve won.
The stakes are too high, and that would be silly.

Trench Soldier

It won’t cross the Melling Road but run it side to side
until it goes over the top again.
It will fall at some corner of Aintree’s field.
It’s just a question of when.

Commission Kingpin

Commands respect.
Hard to detect
as it moves up the field,
ruthlessly unbridled.

Despite being subject to steward enquiries
after many of its victories,
mud has never stuck
as it rides its well-connected luck.

Surrounded by mobsters and hoodlums
it travels in a bullet-proof horsebox.
Though always well turned-out and immaculately groomed,
don’t be fooled; it comes from the stable school of hard knocks.

Golden Era Legend

This is the one to beat
with a track record second to none
having won it three times and come second twice.
A true champion.

Always there or thereabouts, it’s now ‘gone the distance’
But 50-something- year-olds won’t forget
Its name or noseband as it rode its home turf.
Times when, fingers crossed, you told mum and dad your ‘official’ bet.

Fiddlesticks

Born in the north, a spade’s a spade.
A saddle’s a saddle. Stirrups are stirrups.
Donkeys bray and horses neigh.
A giddy up’s a giddy up.

This horse goes straight, no messing around.
Any press speculation as to its track readiness is scoffed at.
As rumours of it being pulled out last minute abound,
Its trainer rails ‘chuffing rubbish ‘ and leaves it at that.

Tudor Lord Chancellor and Keeper of the Great Seal

The higher they jump the further they fall.
Thomas to his friends. Heretic to his enemies.
The favourite least likely to beat them all.
One stumble and its all powerful legs will bend at its knees.

Rock Star Mare

She’s a wild one and bolts against stable rules.
Shakes off blinkers and, hating reins, pulls.
Headstrong and flamboyant, she’ll take each jump with a free spirit.
An entertaining crowd-pleaser, she’s bound to be a media hit.
Doubts remain as to whether she can be kept on the straight and narrow.
Fears are she’ll be one of those loose horses impeding riders, out of control.

Spoilt Brat

To spite his spouse, this temperamental yearling
was named after the trainer’s offspring
whose immature tantrums at the teatime table
sends him seeking solace to the stable.

However, the race rules state his 4-legged pride and joy
is far too young to run, unlike his 7-year-old boy
who he imagines running instead
while down his local, The Nag’s Head;

His imagination running away with itself (and knocking back another tot)
His son breaks his leg at The Water Jump and has to be shot!
Mutters under his breath ‘Shame he’s not a horse!’
His wife is filing for divorce.

Fab Four Hooves

It has a long maine and fringe that almost covers each eye.
Its colours are psychedelic with Julian’s infamous drawing of Lucy in the Sky
on its saddle side.
It’s not what it seems
and gallops faster than slow-motion dreams
and instead of blinkers wears sunglasses for the ride.

With Liverpudlians chomping at the bit,
Ladbroke’s have made this local lad a moptop favourite
to be the first circus foal
to be bred to jump higher
instead of through rings of fire
and reach its racing goal.

Electric eclectic,
you can bet it’ll make it
as chimneys blow black ‘n’ white smoke from roofs.
With horseshoes every week
From 60s Carnaby Street,
it’s got John, Paul, George and Ringo engraved on its 4 hooves.