My Funeral Arrangements

I If by natural causes

First of all, don’t wear black.
Have an egg and spoon race, or a race in a sack.
Get together on the coast (near the countryside) somewhere at your convenience.
Anywhere will do; a seagull residence.

‘A Day in the Life’ is the song for me, but play what you like.
Peddle what you can sell whether a unicycle or a 7-wheeled bike.
Have a toast to what you’ve already had.
Go crazy but don’t go mad.

Get my favourite chef to cook gilt-head bass.
Recite a poem in fancy-dress after a glass.
When you can’t stand no more, sit down, play pass the parcel.
Or pretend to the throne and make up a joust in a castle.

That’s about it, just don’t wear black.
At midnight, get your grandmother’s best knitting pattern
and go looking for a needle in a haystack.

II If by tragic accident

That’s the way it goes.
Cross your fingers and cross your toes.

If run over, come by foot.
If died in the kitchen, come with a dish to cook.
If in a car, drive and park.
If electrocuted, switch on lights if dark.

Whatever the accident, that’s how it goes.
Cross your fingers and cross your toes.
Watch out for the seagulls from up above!
If I died tripping up, send a postcard with love.

Funeral arrangements as if by natural causes, except (if known)
keep away from anyone accident prone.

III If by murder
Difficult one.
If still dangerous, come with a gun.
If murderer caught, you’ll find out in court.
If still on the loose, hope the chase isn’t wild goose.
Whoever did it will have had their reasons
so no need for revenge or treason seasons.
Just hope it was a good murder and I didn’t suffer.
Who knows, the years ahead may have been rougher?

For funeral, carry on as if by natural causes
but put in timely Harold Pinter pauses.

IV If by suicide

Blimey, what a turn up for the books! Nobody more surprised than me!
At time of writing, it must have been by misadventure, surely!?
However, for now, I’ll go along with the autopsy.

So, here’s my note;
“I’ve never wanted to carry out the unthinkable
‘cos I’ve always thought I never wanted to leave anyone feeling responsible.
You’re not. I’ve been very lucky having had you all.
So makes one wonder why.
Well, you can stand on a balcony for years but when you jump off you fall.
In the end, anyway, we all die.
Sorry if I’ve made it a difficult farewell.
Don’t make a song and dance of it but feel free to do so at the do afterwards.
And remember I won’t be going to heaven, purgatory or hell.
I’ll just be with a pair of scissors, pencils&pens, watercolours&camera, records&drums in
a rented flat at home abroad.”

For funeral, try to act as if by natural causes
but, if I left an unlikely will, invite a lawyer for those complicated clauses.